From One Twin Dad to Another: an Open Letter to George Clooney

Dear George,

You don’t know me, but I’m a nine-year member of a secret society you’re about to join, so I thought I’d send you a bit of a warning welcome letter. The Exhausted Society of Twin Dads has granted me permission to relay some exclusive information to you.

To start off, congrats, man. I remember the feeling of first learning I was going to be a dad, then a while later learning I was going to be a father of twin boys. It was complicated: shock, joy, panic, gratitude, fear, anticipation and a little sadness knowing how much my grandfather, who had recently passed, would have loved them. That’s life, though, right? I don’t have to tell you: you take the good, you take the bad…

But no more sad talk. This is a time to celebrate (and be a little justifiably afraid)!

Let me run down a few of the things you should keep in mind over the coming months and years:

The first rule of the Exhausted Society of Twin Dads is that there’s an Even More Exhausted Society of Twin Moms and we need to do everything we can to help and support the mothers of our little dynamic duos (no Batman & Robin pun intended).

Be there. I know, it’s pretty much a no brainer these days for the dad to be in the room for the birth, but the reality-checking miracle of two tiny, beautiful, wrinkled humans coming out of your wife is something you don’t want to miss.

You’ll feel like a celebrity. Oh, wait. I guess you’ve got that covered. But you’d feel like one if you weren’t one. Twin babies turn heads. You walk through the mall and strangers want to drool over your kids.

Just do it. When you’re a parent of twins, you’re constantly asked by singleton parents, ‘How do you do it?’ For us, our answer was always, ‘We don’t know any different.’ Our boys were our first (and only) kids. It was all we knew. Whether you’re a first-time parent of a singleton or twins or octuplets, it’s hard, but you just do it. Don’t let yourself get overwhelmed, just take things as they come.

Make friends with the NICU nurses. Twins almost always come early, so the Clooney babies are almost guaranteed to need to spend at least a few days in the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit, at the very least just to make sure they’re eating and growing okay. Our guys were in for a week and we learned that those NICU nurses are saviors, helping you learn how to feed the babies and bathe them and change their diapers and strap them into car seats. But we know you’re familiar with appreciating nurses, Dr. Ross.

Participate as much as you can. I know you’re a busy guy, George, but take as much time as you can to be at home, especially in those first few weeks. Surely you’ll have help, too, but I urge you to savour the experience of keeping two helpless, brand new humans alive. I could only afford two weeks, but they’re two of the best, freakiest, most sleep-deprived weeks of my life. You’ll never forget changing doll-sized diapers and sitting next to your wife watching TV shows you’d not normally watch during half-asleep 3:00 am feedings (for us it was Dirty Jobs and Deadliest Catch). The two of you will become your own little crack team of experts, like Oceans Eleven with less law breaking and more poop.

No pranks. Your pranks are legend and much respect for that, but babies just don’t see the humour in a bottle full of salt. When they get older, then you can mess with their minds a little (playfully, of course).

You’re not going to break them. Man, I was so scared of breaking those tiny little boys. The first time I walked down our stairs with one of them in my arms, I was sure I was going to slip and drop him and the world would end. But it never happened. It’s not impossible to break them, of course. I mean, there’s the soft spot on their heads and newborns’ necks are, I’m pretty sure, made out of pudding. Just handle with care.

Take advantage of the twin thing. There’s nothing like the experience of holding your two five-pound babies at the same time, for the first time. It was sitting in the NICU with both of them in my arms, when they were just a few days old, that the reality of having twins really struck me. It’s a special thing that few parents get to experience. When they get sturdier, put one baby on each knee and bounce them. They’ll love it. They’ll be the best audience you’ve ever had. And, of course, it’s double the cute (and poop) at all times.

Accept help. I don’t know what kind of paid help you have or plan to have, but don’t be too prideful to accept a helping hand from friends and family when it’s offered, whether it’s to change diapers or make dinner or babysit. You and Amal will both need a break from time to time. Go chill out at a Matt Damon movie with Matt Damon and then prank Matt Damon for the precious two hours you just wasted. (Matt, if you’re reading, I’m sorry, I saw Jimmy Kimmel ragging on you at the Oscars and it’s contagious.)

Remember that people mean well. You’ll most likely be getting advice from all corners of your life on how to cope with twins. Some of it will be valuable—maybe you’ve already spoken with your former co-stars and pals who have twins like Jennifer Lopez, Julia Roberts and Brad Pitt—and some of it will seem like meddling. Just use whatever advice you think will work and leave the drama for in front of the cameras. That includes this unsolicited open letter.

Well, I think that’s all I’ve got for you. The Exhausted Society’s manual will tell you there are 999,998 profoundly awesome aspects to twin parenthood. Why not a million? Time and money, although I don’t think one of those will be a problem for you.

In closing, George, I have to say that the Gravity of having Descendants is truly Out of Sight. It’s the toughest, most rewarding job you’ll ever have. I’m talking tougher than the flack you got from Batman & Robin, but even more rewarding than that Syriana Oscar.

Good Night, and Good Luck,

Kevin

From One Twin Dad to Another: an Open Letter to George Clooney